Odds & Ends - Love Letters 9

This is the end!!

There is nothing left to say, nothing left to forgive. We are no longer bitter, no longer angry. We are just weary and weary!! I know I have been difficult these past few weeks….when I saw myself as me and not merely as your wife…those discoveries are never easy.

Confusions, contradictions,
Disillusions, delusions,
An existence full of questions,
And so many exclamations,
Was it worth it?
Was my life worth any of it?
Have I even lived yet?
Is this everything life is?
What crossroads am I now in?
What paths will I chose?
The past 8 years…all lost in a blinding blaze….
I don’t even want to say the words….

You can’t leave!! This is my whole life….everything around me. It seems I have outgrown it…. What now??

Should I say goodbye?
Is that what needs to be done now??

Well then….

I bid you well…

Farewell my love!!
Your love…your only love!! I know there is no other….

Why? - Love Letters 8

I hear your confusion in my mind. I feel your remorse in my heart.

As I sit here smelling your perfume, time sifts through my fingers. As I try and hold on to what was, what may have been…I cant help but wonder. Could it really have been? And if it could have been, then why is it not?

Perhaps I could have made a difference. If I had just been content to be your wife, if I never had remembered myself…if it were possible, then perhaps, I would not be here. Alas…I had to be honest!

Is it fair to my heart that I feel emotions that have been dead? Is it right that, that which was buried is resurrected in one insignificant drop of time? Could it not have waited? Could it never have happened? Was it so hard to be there for me?

As I sit here, I watch the wild palette of vivid strokes – patches of blue, hints of white, grey edged with pink….all of it bordered with silver – much like my life.

Oh well!! Perhaps I have a bus to catch and a key to return. Perhaps the loss is mine and mine alone.

Is this the end or the beginning?
Is this the end of the beginning?
Or else, is this the beginning of the end?

At a loss…for words....for understanding….
Your love!

Beginnings and ends - Love Letters 7

What we began sitting on shared fences and walls, as innocent dreams fortified with white picket fences. Of children and dogs, fish in the pond and flowers in the yard. Simple, attainable and honourable! Such were our dreams, such were our plans. So childlike and so innocent!

While we reveled in each other and dreamt this simple sweetness, we also put to sleep our older desires. Dreams that we had dreamt since we were children…we gave it up in a moment for one another. Such was our passion, such was our love.

And with the new vision came new challenges – rugged, rough terrain. We were young and naïve when we boldly said, ‘God! Give us our share of burdens when we are young. When we can lift them and not buckle!’ He took our word and blessed us so abundantly. Wise we became, tired we are. But still the vicissitudes of life were so easy. Nothing is hard when we are together. Everything is attainable, everything is passable.

For years now I have filed your papers and taxes.
I have folded your laundry and handed your glasses.
I have cooked your meals and shared your pain.
Tell me now, was it all in vain?
I nursed my dreams and encouraged you to dream yours
I postponed my plans to accommodate yours.
And today when I can’t stay within the confines of my sphere anymore….
When I have to make my attempt to fly off the ledge that I am chained to….
Can I count on you to be there?
To gently hold my hands, to calm my fears,
To give me a last minute word of encouragement and hope?
To remind me that I am still loved, that you will still be here, waiting for me?

I stayed when I was tested and judged and when you experimented. But can I expect you to stay when I experiment? I will not judge you if you do decide to leave. But I do hope you can stay….

Yours in hope,
Your Love!

******

In the background, softly plays Jagjit Singh….

Parakhna mat,
parakhney mein koi apna nahin rehta
Kissi Aainey mein der tak chehra nahin rehta

Do not test/experiment/judge
When you do so, no one will remain yours
No face remains for too long in any mirror

You & Me - Love Letters 6

It’s been a while since we walked on the beach. A while since we have been holding hands. I am peaceful in the knowledge that I am your whole world. I have been secure about it ever since our eyes met. I never really questioned your leading, just followed you with all trust. You did well…you never faltered, or led me astray. You protected me and provided for me. You loved my tears and smiles equally….You came and brought sense to my world. You brought me to reality, introduced me to practicality, and taught me to be pragmatic. I owe my maturity to you and to life. And life would not have happened unless you came by, so the credit is yours anyway!!

And I in return have loved, cherished, held….in sickness and in health, through the good times and bad. ‘Till death do us part’ sounds so apt now…like the perfect vow!! What a life we’ve been through!! And through so much we stuck together as though we were made of the same fabric. I have allowed you to become the center of my life. Now, I bring sense into your world. I lead you, ground you to reality at times, and help you remain practical and pragmatic. My mind has become yours. I am now you…and you are me.

Alas! Now that I am bound by rationale and gagged by tradition, where shall I find my oxygen? The brush that started making vivid wild strokes now rests forgotten. Dust and dried paint have rendered it lifeless. The canvas has paled and the charcoal patterns are but a memory. All the instruments that bring life to the soul sit in perfect juxtaposition on spotless shelves in dustless cases. The camera lies untouched…you have forgotten to capture memories. And we collect minutes and hours….days and weeks…and put them into jars and label them. They sit in sterile corners…ignored, forgotten. I do not hear the ocean anymore….I cannot smell the jasmine in the air. Where did I forget my butterflies?

Yours in doubt,
Your love!!

Peace - Love Letters 5

I see the white lace curtains floating in the soft breeze. The bamboo chimes announce the breeze’s sojourn. It smells like the sea! ‘Baby’s Breath’… tumbling down the window sill in shades of white, speckled with green, mingling with the misty vapour rising from the windows….warmed by the sharp morning sun. My fingers trace the drops of rain that’s left on the window pane. The little boats of rainbow float across the whole room, the myriad colours spanning the sparkle and shimmer. The walls are golden gossamer reflecting little waves…waves of breathing - some shallow, some deep. Your mouth curves tenderly as you float dreamily… your arms under and across the silken pillow. Holding me! You sleep so peacefully… so beautifully….like a young lad….on the virgin beaches of a long lost island!

As I watch you, I can smell the surf. The spray drenches the skin on my bare arms. You laugh – a soft gentle piece of perfect music. It floats across, as liquid as the water that carries it – mingled with the lone tern’s prayerful cry. The roar of the ocean beckons me into your dreams. And when I gently step in, the ripples from my feet reach the deep of your slumber and they echo back to me. Disturbed by the intruder, you stir and the sun is swiftly shadowed by dark angry clouds. As you flutter your eyes open, the heavy glassy drops shatter against the earth. With your smile you open up your phantasmal world and the thunder above welcomes me, announces me. An irresistible sweetness washes over us and I am completely lost in your arms. Outside, the rain washes away the exhaustion of life yet again and brings with it hopes of renewal….on the virgin beaches of a long lost island!

It is peaceful! Tranquil!! The days go by on placid waters, like catamarans slicing through life noiselessly. We float in and out of our days languidly. You come to me with orchids and questions…I come to you with smiles and sea shells. Like flitting butterflies we play around. And when the sun takes leave, sandy feet carry us to waves that kindle our passions and kiss our toes. And you hold my hand in yours, and we hold our world together – in the faint blush of my passion and the fervent fever of your fingers. Your hands lock on my wrist tightly, yet desire comprehension gently. Confident in life’s designs – we walk the earth. And we ponder aloud - Is this love? Such a small word…and yet it encompasses all of eternity…it defines us. We the young lovers….on the virgin beaches of a long lost island!

See the colours that herald the rising sun – like the juice of the tropical fruit that starts flowing on the palette softly, sweetly and then suddenly! It bursts in our senses – intense, overwhelming us! Hear the music this morning – a crescendo of notes that can only be felt – like the gentle morning warmth turning to mid-day heat. So calm yet so fiery, content yet ardent – we glory in ecstatic triumph...in our perfervid exaltation of one another. Faint yet jubilant – we rest in our joy, we bask in our imaginations. We savour the moments life offers us, we make memories in the scrap books of our minds, in the reservoirs of our hearts….all on the virgin beaches of a long lost island!

Yours in blissful peace,
Your Love!

Finally - Love Letters 4

So, you came finally!! I came to see you. Did you see me? No…I did not think you did!!
There I was, in the corner watching. As you held your mother, and held your sister and threw up your nephew in the air, I watched. You did not see me because you were not expecting me.
I felt like a stranger intruding in your life.

But yet…this is my life. This is where I belong, where we dream together, where we build our fantastical forts of comfort and joy! You and me…it sounds good! Sounds like it should. Complete!! After all, don’t we breathe in harmony and think in synchrony. What you start, I finish and what I cannot express you understand. We speak without talking…we share without knowing.
When I see you I see myself….a reflection in your eyes. You are no stranger unto me….you are me! There is not one thought I cannot hear and not one whisper I cannot feel. I recognize all your designs and accept all your patterns. Along with you, I throw the dice and watch as The Maker makes His moves….and we surrender to His will and to one another. Where He leads we have gone…and what He chooses for us we will accept. That is unchangeable!! As unchangeable as our intertwined destinies!

I am back home waiting for you…I am no longer anxious. I know you are here and I know you are still the same. And I know it’s just a matter of a few more minutes before you knock on my door. Amidst tears and smiles, there will be silent questions…words will cease to exist and time will stand unmovable.

So tell me my love…what took you so long to find the way back home??? Did you lose the compass I gave you?

Yours in…. (Ding Dong!!)
Your love…

Hurry - Love Letters 3

Imprisoned in our fears, patiently we wait. Impassioned in our desires, fervently we wait.
When last did we see each other, when last??

And then when we do see each other after days, months…. years or ever, we will see ourselves…our souls. Even so, we will restrain our desperate need to run into each other’s arms. Instead we will choose to walk slowly…slower than we ever have or ever will. Savouring each step, remembering the longing, the pain, the sweetness, the smiles, the confusion….the apprehension, the joy……the past and the future, all in the few seconds that separate us.

We will talk with our eyes, with tears and smiles, giggles and sniffles. In the midst of the throngs of life’s pilgrims, we will make a moment that is ours, just ours! These precious few seconds will determine our entire collective lifetimes. What will be…? Do I want to know..? I wonder!!

Hurry!! But slowly…..

Yours in waiting,
Your Love!

Rest - Love Letters 2

For 2 years now, we have been together. You come to me every night and I come to you everyday. We come together, just as we are …uninhibited, unpretentious. While apart, we yearn to be with one another, how we long for each other. We pine for the sweet love of friendship that is ours…just ours!! Love…such a wonderful warm feeling! Oh the joy of being in your arms, looking at the warm sunshine beyond the finger stained glass panes. When all the world stands still to hear our fingers drumming away. When you can hear my silences and I can comprehend your stares. And all this without ever knowing if you…..

But this I know – I confuse you! I challenge you and yet nourish you. I have in me a certain feistiness, a certain energy that burns you, yet it refreshes you. I see that you admire my courage and passion even though you mock my heart for its desires. You find the mirth and cheer in me addictive, intoxicating, even if you cannot comprehend it. I can feel your eyes watching me when I laugh. I can see you smile when I giggle. I can sense the pain in your heart when I remind you its time to go. And all this bitter-sweet ache even when ………

As we tear away from each other, we know it is just a few more hours before we can be together yet again. But does that console our weary hearts? Don’t I feel the indignation rise up in your mouth as you reach for the cold keys that will take you home? When in the dark loneliness you have to revisit reality and make commonplace, trite choices?

The fact is… we shall not see each other for a long time. Truth is we have never seen each other…and we might never see each other.

But I know even the softest sigh of yours. And you know even the smallest fear of mine. We have spoken, we have felt. And this distance of a few seas has inflamed our passions for life. This feverish longing for the touch of your voice tears me apart….. It captivates me and overpowers my senses… and I wonder! Will we ever share anything except this violent fervour? Will we ever...find the occasion to... at least share a bottle of wine….or perhaps some tiramisu?

I don’t ask if there have been others before me. I am certain there were, and so I do not ask. I do not want to know if I am the same as another one who basked in the deep pools of your tender attention.

So tell me then my friend, am I not loved by you and you by me? I know that I mirror your soul and you mine, and in this I rest secure and content.

I rest..... secure and content!!

Until we meet again...if we meet again...

Yours....always,
Your love!

Chat - Love Letters 1

This is a new series that I am starting. As the title suggests these are love letters. Some of them are written over the years, others over minutes. I would love to say that they are inspired by AR Gurney's play - Love Letters, but I have not yet read the play. I suppose it is fair to say that the inspiration is my partly my life and partly my imagination. But they are mostly creative in nature.
******************


So we ‘chat’ everyday…my days, your nights!

'Chat' sounds so casual...like peanuts in a bar...it can be ignored if you have a refined taste! It’s not something you savour...its something you eat without thinking really, just because it’s sitting there in front of you. Like an accessory to something you really wanted in the first place. I like peanuts, but I dislike trite!!

I believe I am in the same category as vivacious, spunky….etc etc…I fit your criteria and create for myself a new category, by being more. And I am also one of those otherwise non-existent people with whom you can spend 14 hours as easily as you can spend with yourself....I am like your solitude. I live in your senses and I breathe into your lungs. It’s me that you take with, to work and back, into that lonely hotel room on those cold wet nights. It’s me that holds your hand as you walk at 2.00 am in the rain…. that rain never stops, does it?

I know how you set me as a standard when you have to make those decisions and think to yourself, “I wonder what she would do?” or “will she approve of this”. I also know how you strive for our future and how you thrive under my appreciation. I know how you miss me.

I miss you too. But, I like you this way...knowing you are so far away. It’s like being in a constant state of euphoria. And that tug at our hearts when we close the chat screen...does it not make me love you more? And if that yearning is gone, wont we settle into the banality and predictability of life and its courses?

Can’t ‘Man’ just remain constant with no progression or retrogression? Guess not…!! I suppose at some time, we will have to move beyond ‘chat’ and actually do mundane chit-chat. We will have to go beyond the fortresses of dreams of the future and venture into financial investments and diaper changes. Reality… life... I believe that’s what it is called!!

Still, it would be nice to just ‘chat’. Physical absence does make the heart grow fonder.

I look forward to tomorrow morning, when along with my coffee and daily reports, I will get a sweet, friendly, familiar door knock on my window pane!! And it will somehow make the vapid morning meetings and insipid coffee more bearable.

Yours in anticipation,
Your love

Cactus Flower and Dal Palak

Ok am I the lucky one or what!!

Tonight it was good old Jeera Rice, Dal Palak and Boondi Raitha. Yeah, I can cook Indian food too; it’s what I cook most of the time anyway. So, no recipes this time, coz there are tons of places where you can get them on the internet. But the movie….I am falling in love with ‘On Demand’….:-)))))))))))

The movie was ‘Cactus Flower’ with Walter Mathau, Ingrid Bergman and Goldie Hawn. I am not particularly fond of movie reviews. I believe people should see a picture and judge for themselves. But I do recommend pictures and this one I recommend, alright!!

I am still trying to get over the shock of seeing Goldie Hawn so young…the first movie I ever saw her in was Private Benjamin. She has been a favorite since. She’s cute in this movie…and as usual, she is more than the usual blonde bimbette. One tends to forget her ‘old’ visage…with a normal looking mouth and all…these days. Boy was she cute!!

Walter Mathau…I remember ‘Hello Dolly’ and Barbara Streisand whenever I hear his name. It always brings a smile to my eyes. And what a smile her has too…a superb performer, no doubt. The other name I associate with him is Jack Lemmon. Good old fun...clean, natural and good.

But Ingrid…Oh! Ingrid Bergman!! Although Cactus Flower was not one of her most famous pictures….she took my breath away. Just watching her…what a lady!! If I am not wrong, Cactus Flower is probably the only romantic comedy she ever acted in and she did a good job. She sort of held the rest of the characters together. I saw Gaslight first as a child and she made a huge impression on me. Casablanca, Joan of Arc, Anastasia, Stromboli, Murder on the Orient Express, For Whom the Bells Toll….just a few to name. As you can tell, I am a great fan of Miss Bergman!! I could rattle off another filmography here, but I feel the need to watch each and every one of her pictures again. The names that come to mind along with hers are Rossellini, Humphrey Bogart & Cary Grant.

I must tell you though, I laughed quite hard when I saw the night club scenes – a club called ‘The Slipped Disc’. Those dances were ridiculous!!! If those people really danced like that all their lives, they would definitely get a slipped-disc. Thank Goodness for change!! The year the picture was made was 1969, the clothes were definitely hippyish. And Ingrid looked quite stunning in her powder blue ball gown, mink stole and her ‘dentist’ dance moves. She had me rolling on the floor. Goldie Hawn is a natural hippie; no one can do the hippy role quite like her.

These are happy days…the movie days!! What a treat it is to be able to just kick back and enjoy the company of these fine characters on screen. I am reminded of Woody Allen’s ‘Purple Rose of Cairo’….hmmm…. will save it for another blog, though!!

Dinner and a Movie!!

Dinner and a Movie….Where have you heard that before? ….Dinner and a movie….hmmmm?….Dinner and a Movie…. Dang it!! I got caught, didn’t I!!!

Ok! So I swiped off the title for this blog from some show on TV. But I was too lazy to come up with something original and catchy by myself. So pardon and overlook my ‘plagiaristic maneuvers’, but still enjoy the recipes and the movies…..(Maybe it should be ‘Food & Film’ eh? HA!)

It’s not often that I get the opportunity for some quiet movie time with my husband and somehow on the same evening feel like cooking some fancy food for dinner. The co-ordinates are all perfect this evening…He is free, his mobile, laptop both switched off. I am cooking with whatever’s in the refrigerator and am in no mood for Indian food. This was also a blessed day when there were some fun veggies in the fridge….My hubbs is a veggie. Hence, that’s what I cook most of the times – veggies!….alternatives and suggestions are provided in my recipes…as always for the other more normal folks.

If anyone knows me, they will know that as much as I would like to follow recipes, the only time I follow them to the tee is when I am baking. I know too much about altering baking recipes and the resulting ‘altered’ results….My bakery ‘Prof.’ made sure I learnt my lesson well, Ouch!! It still hurts to think of some of those…err…impositions ‘ahem’!! I am the eternal improviser…I have to add my own stamp, mark to everything I cook. It is almost impossible for me to make something palatable if I had to constantly look into a book or paper….it has to be in my head and I have to sense it before I actually taste it. Write it off as a Chayism if you will...Also why I hate day to day cooking and find it so boring…..

There’s more to my culinary eccentricities and my recipes….I wont have accurate measurements to give you, since I ball-park most of my seasonings and ingredients. I will take whatever’s in the pantry and work with it…so each time it is different. That is the given standard at ‘Chez Chay’. Did I mention that I rarely taste while cooking. Or that I cannot eat right after cooking…well I can go on and on. Another time perhaps.

Now that this long introduction has gone on for long enough…lets get cooking folks!! Here are a couple of recipes I concocted…. (I like to have some ingredients in all the dishes in a meal…give some subtly pronounced flavours that carry thru the entire meal. Ex: garlic, parsley in this meal) But unlike the description, the food will not taste oxymoronic! That I assure you…

Spaghetti with spinach….sounds mundane?….maybe!…but do try it!


Spaghetti:

Get together: Spaghetti, garlic, olive oil, spinach, white onions, olives (any kind u like), heavy cream, chicken/veg stock, dried oregano, fresh curly parsley, parmesan (reggiano if you can get some), anchovies in oil, sun dried tomatoes in olive oil, red chilli flakes, salt, cracked pepper, sugar.

• A regular handful for every 2 persons. Pop it in a pot with plenty of boiling H2O.
• Season with salt sparingly *
• DO NOT add oil **
• Cook for about 8 – 10 mins, a little less than the package recommends.

Start the sauce -

• In a pan, take about a tbsp of oil from the jar of sun dried tomatoes. Combine it with 2 more tbsp of olive oil *** (Optional – 1 tbsp oil from sun dried tomatoes + 1 tbsp Olive oil + 1 tbsp butter)
• Add about 4 cloves of chopped garlic, sweat it a bit.
• Add the anchovies, 2 pieces ****. Stir it for about 2 mins till they disintegrate.
• Add a cup of thinly sliced white onions. When translucent add a couple of pinches of sugar and caramelize the onions just a touch.
• Put in about 3 handfuls of whole spinach leaves and wilt it a bit.
• Add ½ a cup of stock, 1 tsp of dried oregano and about ½ cup of the hot pasta water.
• When it’s beginning to boil, add ½ cup of the heavy cream, 1 tsp of chilli flakes, crack some pepper and salt into it and allow it all to come together. You determine the heat u want…in the food that is.
• Take a look at the pasta. Once it’s al dente *****, drain well.
• Come back to the sauce, see if it tastes fine and just put in the recently drained pasta into it.
• Toss it all together. After about a minute, cut off the heat.
• Leave the pan on the stove. Add the olives, the chopped parsley, about a cup of grated parmegiano-reggiano. Toss together again.
• Put into your serving bowl. Top it with chunks of chopped sun dried tomatoes and some more of the tomato flavoured oil. Shave some more parmegiano-reggiano on top and Voila!!

Of course, you can add pine nuts, feta whatever u like…I dislike feta. And I did not have any pine nuts.

Notes:
* - The only time u can actually flavour the pasta is when u are cooking it. Add salt, always a little, because you will season the sauce as well. Remember the cheese is salty too.
** - Oil will only avoid the salt from attaching itself to the pasta. Don’t worry, the noodles will not stick if cooked properly and removed in time.
*** - Personally I prefer extra virgin, but if u dislike the strong flavour opt for fino or light oil.
**** - Anchovies – beware veggies, avoid this, it’s a fishy fish. However, for the uninitiated, once it disintegrates, it will no longer taste like fish, but very nutty and subtle. It will be the base for all the other flavours…Yummo!
***** - Al dente- a texture when u can still bite into it, a little less than done. I like to cook it a little less than recommended. It will cook through in the heat of the sauce. Please do not rinse cooked pasta in cold H2O. It is a hot dish so the pasta should go right into the pan of sauce. If you are making a salad or some cold dish, then you can rinse it briefly in ice cold water – a process that will arrest cooking completely – Refraich/refresh.


Asparagus

Get together: Asparagus (6-8 stems), garlic, fresh curly parsley, white wine/sparkling wine, salt, Cracked Pepper, Olive oil.

• In a pan, heat some olive oil. Add a dot of butter if you like.
• Medium heat - add 1 tbsp chopped garlic and sauté till brown. Move it to a cooler part of the pan or just remove it onto a plate.
• Turn up the heat. Into the flavoured oil, add the cleaned, trimmed asparagus stems. Make sure they are all in a single layer.
• Move it around a bit till it get a bright green colour. Do not use a spoon. Just shake the pan.
• Add 1 tbsp chopped curly parsley*. Mix in the garlic.
• After about a minute, add about a 1/2 cup of wine. **
• If you are adventurous and have an audience, try this. Tilt the pan a wee bit till the wine catches fire. It will leave a nice charred flavour on the vegetable. Flambe!!
• Do not cook for more than 5-6 mins. By then the wine should be completely evaporated.
• Do not over cook the vegetable. It should still be crunchy.
• Add the salt, crack some pepper. Take it off the heat and put it directly onto a serving plate.
• If you don’t want to scrape the pan, put it back on the fire. Add another dash of wine, some stock and get all the wonderful flavours to mix and marry. This is deglazing…a technique used to make sauces for meat dishes.
• Pour the sauce on top of the asparagus. Garnish with a spring of parsley. Voila!!

* - Curly parsley is not as flavourful as flat leaf parsley. If you want an intense parsley flavour, opt for the flat leaf variety.
** - I happened to have some terrible tasting sparkling wine that they like to call ‘champagne’ in the cooler. It is nowhere near champagne and I just wanted to try it for cooking before using it as a drain cleaner. Use any wine you have on hand. If you have no wine, some vinegar will be fine too. Apple cider vinegar, rice vinegar, or even red wine vinegar will be ok. Balsamic will make it an entirely WOW new dish!!. Try that too…it’s fantabulous!!

So that was the food. No dessert, just coffee for me and juice for Hubby. By the time dinner was served, he had found a Harrison Ford movie on ‘By Demand’. So we sat with our plates on the couch and the floor…we invariably slide down to the floor. I guess it’s impossible to tame us.

There I go again!! As always I had to take a short detour. Where were we…aah the movie. ‘Hollywood Homicide’. I must say I was a bit disappointed in the beginning…Harrison Ford playing an LAPD cop…it looked typical…like a guy’s bang-bang movie, until I saw Josh Hartnett in the next shot. Ooooh! That boy is cute eh!! 2 cute guys – one old, one young…what could I say except ‘Perfetto’ The mood definitely was Italian!!

So the movie was ok. The great traditional combination of guns, fun, sex, romance, violence, swearing, yeah it was ok. What kept me interested was the way both the protagonists were always interested in something other than their actual jobs…one is a cop, and a real estate broker, the other is a cop and an aspiring actor. One is trying to sell an enormous property while being interrogated for false charges and the other is practicing lines from ‘A Street Car Named Desire’ while being shot at by a punk!! Josh Hartnett, so adorably practices screaming, ‘Stella!! Stella!!’ At the end of the movie they show his final play. A funny disaster…as expected! It made us both laugh….these days we are coming across a lot of people who are thinking about careers changes (definitely includes me ….!!) But somehow, both the cops seem to do the ‘copping’ best…what had me sitting through the whole movie was Harrison Ford…besides my Hubby that is. I am consciously diverting the direction of this blog now.

Harrison Ford…

Here are some other Ford movies I have enjoyed! I took the trouble of putting the list in ascending order based on the year it was made. However, I saw them at different times in my life. Think of it as a partial filmography...I omitted a few early pictures!! I also took the liberty of putting up my opinion of each movie…not that it really matters.

Star Wars – Childhood memories..... May the Force be with us!! Han Solo’s drawl and smile were way better than Luke Skywalker’s boyish charms. I still am a great ‘Star wars’ Fan…When they made the digitalized versions, I went back to see it. A real pity my husband slept through it, that too on our first date!!

Heroes – Never saw this one.

Force 10 from Navarone – with Robert Shaw as well…what a treat that was! Another childhood memory

Apocalypse Now – He had a relatively smaller role, but who can be big in front of Marlon Brando!! Martin Sheen stole the rest of my applause anyway…Excellent picture!! I had to see it a couple of times before understanding it…I was probably 12 or 13…

Frisco Kid – It was fun!

Star Wars – Empire Strikes Back – May the force be with us!! Reminiscing childhood memories. Hubby going…ZZzzz when I took him…again.

Indiana Jones & Raiders of the Lost Ark – I think I have seen this one a few hundred times. Even though this was made before the Temple of Doom, I somehow saw this much after the Temple of Doom. One of the first gifts my father got that I enjoyed more than him.

Star Wars – Return of the Jedi – May the Force be with us again!! Hubby going…ZZzzz…again. Why did I take him this time...again?? Chay = Late Bloomer!!

Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom – this was the first ford movie I saw. I was 8 or 9, petrified of the eye ball soup and slithering baby snakes cut right out of the big mommy’s belly, and was screaming when Ambrish Puri plucked out a human heart and drank its blood. Gory eh!! Sure was!! I was clinging to my mother’s neck the whole time…and it was mercifully in the safety of my house. I suspect my Ma was a bit scared too.

Witness – Aaah!! He was nominated for an Oscar, the Golden Globe and the BAFTA. My Ma’s fave movie….more childhood memories.

Mosquito Coast – Aaaah again!! This was one neat picture!!! Nominated for the Golden Globe again. Exceptional performance!!

Frantic – I saw this more recently. Pretty darned good!

Working Girl – Saw this very recently. I enjoyed Melanie Griffith more!! Cute chick flick!

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade – Aaaaah!! Ford and Sean Connery…Dad and son!! This was something!! 2 great drawls, 2 great smiles, 2 great senses of humour(s), 2 great great actors!!

Presumed Innocent – No presumptions here…he is good!!

Regarding Henry – Yet to see this one…

Patriot Games – Neat again!!

The Fugitive – Wow!! How can anyone forget Dr. Kimble!! I don’t know who was better
though...Ford or Tommy Lee Jones…Another Golden Globe nomination.

Clear and Present Danger – so so.

Sabrina – Awesome!! It has a great ‘Pollack’ian quality to it…wonderful romantic comedy. Ford as Linus is detestable yet lovable and Julia Ormond is simply…charming! A perfect chick-flick!! Yet another Golden Globe nomination.

Air Force One – Glenn Close was good. Ford is comparable at times to President Bush. Ok, only during the speeches. Otherwise, this is a movie that makes you love being American…only to remind you that you are not American, thankfully!

6 days and 7 nights – Oh the ruggedness is back! This is the ford to die for…He looks old and haggard, but still very charming.

Random Hearts – Not seen this one

What Lies Beneath – I am not fond of horror movies. I do get spooked. But this combo meal of Zemeckis, Ford and Pfeiffer is probably worth some credit.

K-19: The Widowmaker – Exceptional!! Definitely a good piece of entertainment. Besides I love war movies.

Hollywood Homicide – Funny…time pass, a bit bakwaas!

Water to Wine – Yet to see…..

I am looking forward to Indian Jones 4 among other movies.

Phew!! Are you folks still awake after this loooong blog! Well, here’s some more then…Harrison Ford is half Irish. Great person to blog about on the ‘day after Paddy Day’ eh? He also used to be a carpenter till he made it big in Star Wars. The year it was made was the year I was born…WOW!!

The funniest Ford story I have heard – was during the shoot of Raiders of the Lost Ark an awesome collaboration between George Lucas and Steven Spielberg. Shot in Tunisia in 73 days, this movie left everyone, including Indy exhausted!! To top it all he had a bad case of a bad stomach. The scene is the one with the sword fight - Indy is chased and finally cornered by this sword wielding henchman. After a few takes, Indy asks Spielberg if they can shorten this scene. Spielberg laughingly says maybe he can shoot him instead of fighting him and everyone laughs. Indy just shoots the guy at the next take – unplanned. And the rest is history! This scene alone has been copied and improvised in hundreds of movies since the original.

And what of that music score by John Williams…Oh My Goodness!! John Williams is another blog altogether…

So, there folks! This is my offering for the day - recipes, an amateurish movie review, and a filmography that will hopefully evoke some nostalgia. And some trivia - about Harrison Ford and Chay!!

'The Aviator' - Come Fly!!

This weekend, my darling husband, who was obviously saddened and disturbed by my state of candescent agitation, decided to give me a gentle push in the right direction. He must have pondered the ramifications of my ‘condition’, to put it mildly, and felt understandably helpless. But the precious love of my life, that he is, he could just not let me suffer in my own turmoil. Instead of trying to talk to me he did something outrageously simple. He asked me out on a date and he took me to the movies. Some time during the picture, he patted my hand, leaned over and said, “There is a reason why I brought you to this one”.

We saw ‘The Aviator’. One of the most brilliant pictures I have seen in a while. Martin Scorcese outdid himself. I was simply blown away by the performances of Leonardo DiCaprio and Cate Blanchett, playing Howard Hughes and Katherine Hepburn. Cate Blanchett deserved her Oscar every bit. The movie won 4 more Oscars for editing, art direction, cinematography and costumes. I enjoyed Kate Beckinsale as Ava Gardener as well. But this is not a movie review.

I am amazed at the ingenuity of the man and his passionate, obsessive resolve to carry through his dream. It was a perfect jolt of graphic emotion for me, given how I have been feeling lately. This was the same way I felt when I saw ‘A beautiful Mind’ and zillions of other movies. Given the potential that each of us carries within us, it is ultimately a battle that we fight. What is it against...ourselves or our environments? Ultimately, the purpose of the battle is for that innate potential to materialize, be birthed! I am no aviator or movie maker or mathematician. But I know my potential…I know what can be, if only I tapped my potential!! And I know just what levels of integrity and ownership I am capable of.

As the picture ended….and Howard Hughes repeatedly said ‘the way to the future’, I watched!! There is more to this man than his OCD and eccentricities. Even if the entire world wants to concentrate their collective attention on just those ‘weird’ things, there is no true way that one can deny that it is the fire in him that kept many a heart and dream alive!!!

As his lips uttered the same thing, over and over, his eyes were saying something different each time…the intensity of the moment was blackened by nothing…and I knew in my heart! I knew that I will be all I am meant to be. As the picture hall emptied out, I sat there at the edge of my seat, hands folded in front of me head hanging down, and in my closed eyes I felt the music lifting me up into the realms of reality that will be one day!! The silence that followed after the titles, when Howard Shore put down his wand was soothingly harmonious compared to all my dissonances. The patterns of my life can be changed, after all!!

I found these quotes while browsing….

“Once you consent to some concession, you can never cancel it and put things back the way they are.” – Howard Hughes

“It is impossible to think of Howard Hughes without seeing the apparently bottomless gulf between what we say we want and what we do want, between what we officially admire and secretly desire, between, in the largest sense, the people we marry and the people we love. In a nation which increasingly appears to prize social virtues, Howard Hughes remains not merely antisocial but grandly, brilliantly, surpassingly asocial. He is the last primitive man, the dream we no longer admit.” - Joan Didion

I wonder if there is another ‘spruce goose’ is in the making somewhere in the world!! I hope there is…..

Shades of Mediocrity

There’s more to my state of agitation than just a cryptic blog. Criticism and speculations abound with anything abstract…Not that I mind any of it. Actually I enjoy it…even defending the worth of my thoughts in unnecessarily childish ways. It makes me feel emotions that have been numb for a while….

But today…I just felt the need to come and vent a bit...Guess its one of the many advantages of being anonymous eh?

….Tonight I'll sing my songs again

I'll play the game and pretend

But all my words come back to me

In shades of mediocrity

Like emptiness in harmony

I need someone to comfort me….
Paul Simon


Truth is that I am not sure how I stumbled upon the truth. :-)))))))) Maybe I just knew it all along and lived in some sort of a denial. Guess, I am just frustrated about whole bunches of things. My inability to be 'normal' for instance....The older I grow, the more I feel pressurized to conform to convention. And I am not so old either....At 27, I feel like I have already hit mid-life crisis...heck, I don’t even have kids!!!

And all the while, I know I cannot and should not try to be someone I am not....It’s something thing I detest vehemently- pretense of any kind. And yet somehow, I have been pretending for so many years now. Smiling sweetly...small talk about the weather and one’s health, the politically correct statements and being on the right political side (is there even such a thing??), being a perfect hostess, being the conversationalist, being the regular old housewife...forever interested in the recipe for some over spiced Indian dish with flavours that I cant quite put a finger on...pretending to be slam-dunked by a friend of a friend's baby shower games involving measuring and/or toilet rolls, or being totally wowed by the rising XYZ stock prices....enough already!! Not that there is anything wrong with any of it. But there is more right?? To life that is! Is life all about mortgage payments and taxes, or it that just a small part of life?

It’s not me to be this way...why should I be someone I am not? Is that the only way I can get some love and acceptance? By being a regular old, single shot latte? Can people really not handle espresso or an occasional Irish coffee??? And I don’t want to have to be alone either for just being me…I do want love, appreciation, encouragement and validation. I am normal in at least a few ways… :-)))) I think!!

Some of you might say...it’s probably just a phase and that too might pass. But then, what if it does not?? What if I do settle for mediocrity...yet again? What if I compromise and settle for further domestication and give up on myself again? What if I stop desiring, aspiring to be what & who I am meant to be....How can I live then and still look at myself in the eye??? What good is all the love I will have then? I won’t have my own!!

And the worst thing is that there is very little middle ground…I cant hold on to what I have now…calm, peace and my family’s approval, and still desire to make ripples in the skies. The peace and approval are the first things that will go. Eventually my family might too, and along with them take away our common pleasant dreams as well. I would not blame them one bit if that happened. But nonetheless, it’s sad that it might happen!!

A good friend recently said to me… “Hitch your wagon to the stars…so that you can you can just get off the ground…” the premise being that if I get off the ground, I will fly…the way I have aspired to!! My friend is right…but do I have the courage? Will I summon it at the right time? Will I face myself??

Dang! I've not felt so lost in a long long time!! I have forgotten how to be when without a compass or a map. It’s easy when you pretend you can’t see what you see. But then, once you are forced to face yourself...Oy Vay!! Its one of the hardest things to do eh, face your self?? Especially when you know you might lose everything you have....but then again, what would this world be without risk takers…mundane?

Keep it simple, they say. Don’t they know that life is never simple!! We can delude ourselves and persuade ourselves to believe that a flower or a smile will make it all better. But it’s all in the mind…and what can one do when the mind is restless!!

Confusions within and beyond the parameters ....plenty of Chayotisms too... I wonder where all this will lead me. I so wish I could turn back time...and just rest by swimming pools and not grow up beyond 13...Peter Pan complexes can be nice. Surreal!!

Wishful thinking again…more escapisms…I am so tired!! So darned tired!! Yet I cannot rest!! Miles to go….so many miles… where to begin…where am I??

Dissonance

What is this agitation that over takes every fabric of my rational mind? Am I insanely blown in my mind or am I just zinging on coffee? Have I just set fire to my mind by reminiscing yesterday or am I just plain furious for having gone to sleep? Is there no way to really collect my pounding heartbeats in a jar anymore? As I pace restlessly with fists rolled tight, I wonder…will I ever find the perfect words to express these emotions… these thoughts…these feelings? Can nothing calm me…can nothing stop this dissonance in my head!! The burst of the imaginary colours, sights, patterns, smells just overwhelm my senses with violent vividity! Is someone there who knows what I am going through? Can someone feel this as intensely as I do? My shoulders hurt, my skin burns and I feel such passionate hunger!! Will I ever be able to birth my desires to the point of ecstatic jubilation? Or will I just compromise yet again for mediocrity? What I wonder can fuel me except this fierce passion? And yet, this same fierce, violent, volcanic vigour stands to destroy all that has been built on carefully planned, meticulous strategy! It has the power to utterly destroy me and yet it is all I desire….my fierce passion for life!! It is like no other emotion I have felt and it cannot be put to sleep anymore!

Love is in the Air - the Valentine's post!!

Date: Feb 15th, 2005.

It is the day after Valentine’s Day and I have been having an absolute ball by myself. For 2 nights now, I have sat by my warm fireplace, with wine, chocolates, and great movies and enjoyed it thoroughly.

Hubbs daahling had to go out of town on work, early on Valentine’s morning. I don’t mind really…we make up for all the lost time in many innovative ways and it helps the romance stay alive. At least in our case it does.

What innovative things you ask....take for instance our Valentine’s date. We have had a really busy month or so and have hardly had time to catch up. He’s been traveling a lot and I was longing for just one sweet, quiet, precious moment with him…without the mobile or the blackberry or the laptop….So we decided to do something special after all the weekend chores were done. Chores done, Saturday over & we were too tired even for a smile.

Next morning, we were off to Church and while on the way home a light-bulb flashed. So we stopped by at this great bread place, got some wonderful, aromatic, fresh, warm, bread. Went home and I quickly put together some salad and a goulash-curry-sort-of-a-thing and I packed a picnic basket. Honey was not too sure…after all it was freezing outside and it looked like rain as well. But I was determined not to let the moment pass. So, I sent him off with the grub and a great big flask of tea to load up the car, and snuck in some candles into a bag, along with some other supplies.

We drove to the nearest park on a beautiful lake and it was windy & freezing. Our coats and jackets were no good in this weather, but we braved it. It was impossible to stand by the water, let alone eat, so we went to the covered eating area….not one bit romantic or lovely. There were no chocolates, no wine, no roses, no gifts. We were both in track suits and running shoes, with hoods over our heads.

But once the table was set, we were both grinning from ear to ear like it was our very first date. When I reached for the bag with the candles, he thought it was a gift for him and started apologizing for not getting me one. I showed him that it was no gift and we laughed till we had tears in our eyes. When he saw the lit candles he was speechless….we have had hundreds of moments like these, but we are speechless at every one of them.

So right there, in the park with kids and dogs playing, far from the water front, in the most unremarkable setting…we celebrated each other! We enjoyed each other’s company…we ate, talked, laughed, shivered, laughed some more. Only one hour…no phones, the only blackberry there was the kind you can pick off a shrub & eat and I was the laptop…Lol. It’s enough to carry us thru’ another couple of weeks.

Silly Me!!

It is one of the silliest things I do, but it is so comforting. I have been doing it since I was a little girl. I bet there are many other girls who have done it and continue doing it. Maybe a few boys as well…maybe they don’t admit it, but I am certain they do it….maybe in closets or bathrooms or even in the pantry. Sometimes girls like to do it with a couple of other girls.... it helps to have company....

Wait a minute...I did not tell you what the silly thing was! I can see a few imaginations already running wild...I can’t allow you to assume whatever you want to now, can I?? Lollz! Well, I was talking about women and crying. (I can see all the guys go, 'awww man!') :-)) We like to cry....at least I do.

There needs to be no rational reason. There has to be nothing wrong, no heart breaks or any other kind of breaks. All is well and fine. But every now and then something feels a bit off... boring, humdrum, too quiet and monotonous. And a good cry makes it all better...weird when you actually think about it. :-)

I am sure some of our fellow 'enlightened' bloggers can actually come up with some scientific hormone related reason as to why it happens. Maybe it is the onset of depression. Or something that makes our eyes clean or some such thing. Lollz. All I know is that it is therapeutic and that’s all that really matters.

Well, I am feeling a bit blue. :-( Oh, pardon me! Did I not mention that already? That's how I got thinking about this whole crying deal...

It just seems silly!! But I know I am not all alone in this, I have quite a few girlfriends who will vouch for this phenomenon among women. Usually, I can do it just like that. Just start crying, cry for some 5 minutes and wipe off my eyes and nose and instantly feel better. It takes no time or effort and no one needs to know.

But today, I am having such a hard time. I even tried watching some sad story on Oprah...now guys, I don’t need your help crying so don’t offer any weird suggestions ok... ;-) Ok, I have to go now and try and cry. I might try reading some of Akber Kassam's blogs on Sulekha. That will do it. :-))