Shades of Mediocrity
There’s more to my state of agitation than just a cryptic blog. Criticism and speculations abound with anything abstract…Not that I mind any of it. Actually I enjoy it…even defending the worth of my thoughts in unnecessarily childish ways. It makes me feel emotions that have been numb for a while….
But today…I just felt the need to come and vent a bit...Guess its one of the many advantages of being anonymous eh?
….Tonight I'll sing my songs again
But today…I just felt the need to come and vent a bit...Guess its one of the many advantages of being anonymous eh?
….Tonight I'll sing my songs again
I'll play the game and pretend
But all my words come back to me
In shades of mediocrity
Like emptiness in harmony
I need someone to comfort me….
Paul Simon
Truth is that I am not sure how I stumbled upon the truth. :-)))))))) Maybe I just knew it all along and lived in some sort of a denial. Guess, I am just frustrated about whole bunches of things. My inability to be 'normal' for instance....The older I grow, the more I feel pressurized to conform to convention. And I am not so old either....At 27, I feel like I have already hit mid-life crisis...heck, I don’t even have kids!!!
And all the while, I know I cannot and should not try to be someone I am not....It’s something thing I detest vehemently- pretense of any kind. And yet somehow, I have been pretending for so many years now. Smiling sweetly...small talk about the weather and one’s health, the politically correct statements and being on the right political side (is there even such a thing??), being a perfect hostess, being the conversationalist, being the regular old housewife...forever interested in the recipe for some over spiced Indian dish with flavours that I cant quite put a finger on...pretending to be slam-dunked by a friend of a friend's baby shower games involving measuring and/or toilet rolls, or being totally wowed by the rising XYZ stock prices....enough already!! Not that there is anything wrong with any of it. But there is more right?? To life that is! Is life all about mortgage payments and taxes, or it that just a small part of life?
It’s not me to be this way...why should I be someone I am not? Is that the only way I can get some love and acceptance? By being a regular old, single shot latte? Can people really not handle espresso or an occasional Irish coffee??? And I don’t want to have to be alone either for just being me…I do want love, appreciation, encouragement and validation. I am normal in at least a few ways… :-)))) I think!!
Some of you might say...it’s probably just a phase and that too might pass. But then, what if it does not?? What if I do settle for mediocrity...yet again? What if I compromise and settle for further domestication and give up on myself again? What if I stop desiring, aspiring to be what & who I am meant to be....How can I live then and still look at myself in the eye??? What good is all the love I will have then? I won’t have my own!!
And the worst thing is that there is very little middle ground…I cant hold on to what I have now…calm, peace and my family’s approval, and still desire to make ripples in the skies. The peace and approval are the first things that will go. Eventually my family might too, and along with them take away our common pleasant dreams as well. I would not blame them one bit if that happened. But nonetheless, it’s sad that it might happen!!
A good friend recently said to me… “Hitch your wagon to the stars…so that you can you can just get off the ground…” the premise being that if I get off the ground, I will fly…the way I have aspired to!! My friend is right…but do I have the courage? Will I summon it at the right time? Will I face myself??
Dang! I've not felt so lost in a long long time!! I have forgotten how to be when without a compass or a map. It’s easy when you pretend you can’t see what you see. But then, once you are forced to face yourself...Oy Vay!! Its one of the hardest things to do eh, face your self?? Especially when you know you might lose everything you have....but then again, what would this world be without risk takers…mundane?
Keep it simple, they say. Don’t they know that life is never simple!! We can delude ourselves and persuade ourselves to believe that a flower or a smile will make it all better. But it’s all in the mind…and what can one do when the mind is restless!!
Confusions within and beyond the parameters ....plenty of Chayotisms too... I wonder where all this will lead me. I so wish I could turn back time...and just rest by swimming pools and not grow up beyond 13...Peter Pan complexes can be nice. Surreal!!
Wishful thinking again…more escapisms…I am so tired!! So darned tired!! Yet I cannot rest!! Miles to go….so many miles… where to begin…where am I??
Paul Simon
Truth is that I am not sure how I stumbled upon the truth. :-)))))))) Maybe I just knew it all along and lived in some sort of a denial. Guess, I am just frustrated about whole bunches of things. My inability to be 'normal' for instance....The older I grow, the more I feel pressurized to conform to convention. And I am not so old either....At 27, I feel like I have already hit mid-life crisis...heck, I don’t even have kids!!!
And all the while, I know I cannot and should not try to be someone I am not....It’s something thing I detest vehemently- pretense of any kind. And yet somehow, I have been pretending for so many years now. Smiling sweetly...small talk about the weather and one’s health, the politically correct statements and being on the right political side (is there even such a thing??), being a perfect hostess, being the conversationalist, being the regular old housewife...forever interested in the recipe for some over spiced Indian dish with flavours that I cant quite put a finger on...pretending to be slam-dunked by a friend of a friend's baby shower games involving measuring and/or toilet rolls, or being totally wowed by the rising XYZ stock prices....enough already!! Not that there is anything wrong with any of it. But there is more right?? To life that is! Is life all about mortgage payments and taxes, or it that just a small part of life?
It’s not me to be this way...why should I be someone I am not? Is that the only way I can get some love and acceptance? By being a regular old, single shot latte? Can people really not handle espresso or an occasional Irish coffee??? And I don’t want to have to be alone either for just being me…I do want love, appreciation, encouragement and validation. I am normal in at least a few ways… :-)))) I think!!
Some of you might say...it’s probably just a phase and that too might pass. But then, what if it does not?? What if I do settle for mediocrity...yet again? What if I compromise and settle for further domestication and give up on myself again? What if I stop desiring, aspiring to be what & who I am meant to be....How can I live then and still look at myself in the eye??? What good is all the love I will have then? I won’t have my own!!
And the worst thing is that there is very little middle ground…I cant hold on to what I have now…calm, peace and my family’s approval, and still desire to make ripples in the skies. The peace and approval are the first things that will go. Eventually my family might too, and along with them take away our common pleasant dreams as well. I would not blame them one bit if that happened. But nonetheless, it’s sad that it might happen!!
A good friend recently said to me… “Hitch your wagon to the stars…so that you can you can just get off the ground…” the premise being that if I get off the ground, I will fly…the way I have aspired to!! My friend is right…but do I have the courage? Will I summon it at the right time? Will I face myself??
Dang! I've not felt so lost in a long long time!! I have forgotten how to be when without a compass or a map. It’s easy when you pretend you can’t see what you see. But then, once you are forced to face yourself...Oy Vay!! Its one of the hardest things to do eh, face your self?? Especially when you know you might lose everything you have....but then again, what would this world be without risk takers…mundane?
Keep it simple, they say. Don’t they know that life is never simple!! We can delude ourselves and persuade ourselves to believe that a flower or a smile will make it all better. But it’s all in the mind…and what can one do when the mind is restless!!
Confusions within and beyond the parameters ....plenty of Chayotisms too... I wonder where all this will lead me. I so wish I could turn back time...and just rest by swimming pools and not grow up beyond 13...Peter Pan complexes can be nice. Surreal!!
Wishful thinking again…more escapisms…I am so tired!! So darned tired!! Yet I cannot rest!! Miles to go….so many miles… where to begin…where am I??
posted by Arpana Sanjay at 9:51 AM
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