The Ride!

When as in silks my Julia walks,
Then then methinks how sweetly flows,
That liquefaction of her clothes

She remembered the tender strong voice reciting the poem aloud. “Was it Herrick?” The question lingered on the borders of her thoughts. “Maybe!” she dismissed the question flippantly. Her fingers stroked the grayish-blue silk of her dress and she was comforted by its textured softness. She had a soft smile on her mouth and her eyes were lit with joy and bright signs.

The neon lights floated listlessly on the car windows. And along with the lights her mind traversed against the general stream of traffic. She spotted a knot of young girls and boys in front of a bar with a bright red sign. They were in uniforms, probably partying after a varsity game, she thought. As they floated past her, her mind heard the steady voice of her Ma as she ascended the stairs to her room.

**********

She was sprawled on her tummy and emptying another box of tissues.
Ma walks in shaking her head gently, her brow furrowed with concern.

She gently strokes her head, “Write!”
“What use is it? They won’t like me anyway!”
“There will be others. You are just in school. You still have so many people to meet, so much to live. See our friends? We met most of them in the university.”
“Ma, I heard them talking. They said they were going to ostracize me. They went to the game without me Ma. They left me behind. It is writing that always gets me into trouble.”
“Still, write! You must just be careful about what you do with your writing”
“You aren’t angry with me for getting into trouble?”
“Yes I am, but that can wait. Now get up and wash your face. I want you to write everything you feel. Don’t worry about making it an essay. Just write.”

Ma’s kiss lingered on her cheek, as she struggled to fight back the tears that threatened to flood the car and stain her dress.
*******
“Not now!” she murmured to herself. And then loudly, she said, “Stop it! You don’t have time to do your eyes again.” She exhaled and shook the thoughts out of her head.

She saw Tim looking at her in the rear view mirror with concern.
“You ok Miss?” he asked.
“Yes, thank you Tim. Are we there yet?”
“In just a bit Miss. We will be on time.”
“Alright then!”

She looked outside again. A street musician seemed to be lost in his world. His fingers strummed his guitar and a cigarette was hanging from his lips. And with the wispy smoke, her mind went back to the time when she sat around a warm bonfire on a cold December night.

********

Janni has the tamte and he is singing a folk song from a new play still in production. Ma is with Rathna inside arranging for more snacks, Pa as always is teasing Raghu Uncle about being a tagaru. It sure is a great way to celebrate New Year’s Eve.

She is sitting close to the fire and the music, lost in the stars above, lost in her many fantasies.
Venu comes by and sits next to her with a bottle of Kingfisher in his hand. He ruffles her hair and asks with a broad grin, “Tell me na, will you marry me?”.
She blushes furiously and tugs at his beard, “Venu Uncle, stop teasing me!”
“Who uncle, where uncle?” he searches around in mock shock.
She cries aloud, “Maaaa. Venu has started again!!”
Everyone laughs and so does she.

Janni stops singing and asks, “So when are you writing my script? We have a vacant spot for you, you know. You can write or act or do both…what do you say?”
She does not know what to say and looks away with a polite smile.

On the way back home, in the soft morning glow were loving embraces by all 12 siblings and all their friends. Every single one of them had at some time or the other teased her about marrying them. She was their muddu hudugi, laadli, the precious sweet child everyone loved.

Laughter, smoke, the crackling fireplace and Janni’s singing! So warm, so distant.

***************

The car halts at the traffic light as does her reverie. Another question rises on the horizon, “Where is Janni now?” “Maybe he is back in NSD teaching or maybe still at the repertoire!” She dismissed the question with acquired ease.

In the silence that followed in her mind, she searched for something to fill the empty moments with. The flashing yellow and blue sign indicated a coffee shop.

She remembered the time she had coffee with her Pa after browsing in Gangarams for an indefinite period of time.
He had quietly asked her,”Why won’t you write? You write well, you know!”
“Pa, don’t start now. Not you as well!”
“Why not? You Ma is right.”
“Well, what do you want me to write?”
“Anything you want! Start anywhere, you’ll find the road you need to take.”
“Pa, why don’t you write? Your thesis on Shelley is getting as old as you!”
“Touché!”
Giggles and laughter! Just like old times!

And then there was that phone call from cousin V.
“Akka, you write so well. Why don’t you write?”
“When did you read any of my writing da?”
“You write me emails right?”
“Uff! Bye now! Take care”
“Akka, akka, wait…hello”

The visions from past just summon themselves, rudely!!

Thatha (grandfather), beckons her into his study on a humid summer afternoon, and shows her his new hobby – his writing. He is writing a book in the grand old age of 85. He says, “I am writing this book in Tamil. When I am done, your mother will edit it and have it published. Will you translate it to English?”

Uncle S meets her after many years and asks, “Are you writing?”

Another Uncle S meets her after many years and gives her his latest book in Kannada. Then he asks, “When will I have the privilege of reading your writing?”

She met Ma’s professor one day. When introduced, he asks, “Who do you write like? You Ma or your Pa?’

Uncle D mails her, “I was about to suggest you try creative writing, given the grace with which you write….”

And finally she hears the familiar voice of Hubbs saying on a hundred different occasions, each time the same thing, “Why don’t you write?” at every party, every gathering, in front of friends, when alone, agreeing with Ma and Pa and all the others around her.

She hears all the voices saying the same thing…Write dear Write!! They seem to echo one another. She can see all the faces, imploring, pleading…Write dear Write!! The resulting cacophony is beyond description, it would have put a Mariners game to shame. Her whole world spins and she gasps for breath. She holds her head, honestly believing it will either implode or explode any moment!! Compounding the voices with their demands is Janni explaining the joy of writing for theatre, Venu asking if she would sing with him, the tamte already booming in her head.

And right through the cacophony comes an unwavering, tender & strong voice – When as in silks my Julia walks, then then methinks how sweetly flows,that liquefaction of her clothes. With a gasp she realizes it’s her own voice. Her English teacher from school is trying to shush the laughing children who have mushroomed all around her. The incessant dissonance gets louder and louder and all the voices amalgamate into an unbearable crescendo that threatens to sweep her away in its thunderous deluge.

Suddenly, the cold air chills her back to reality!! She looks around and realizes she is in her car.
A voice in the distant horizon reaches her world. Miss….miss…
“Miss?? Miss? Are you Okay?” Tim is asking though the open door.

She just looks at Tim’s face with glazed eyes trying to focus.
She remembers that she has to breathe and touches her temple to steady herself.

“Miss? We are here already. Are you Okay?”
She looks around and quickly collects herself. She remembers now.
“Yes Tim, thank you” she says hoarsely.

Tim looks unconvinced. He hands her a bottle of Perrier and closes the door gently to save her from embarrassment. After quickly looking at herself in the mirror, she realizes she looks nothing like she feels. Pushing a stray hair back in place, she smoothes her dress. And with a confident smile, she steps out of the car. Tim smiles back and pats her hand and she knows all will be well.

Later that evening, when all the speeches were made and thanks were said, she raises her glass in a silent toast to all that have encouraged her over the years. The stars above smile in their sparkle and join her in her silent salute!!