My Birthday!!

I turned 28 on the 28th of June. It is with a mild sense of loss that I note that this phenomenon will happen only once in my lifetime, as in anyone’s life. After all, I have never before been 28 on the 28th and cannot hope to be 29 on the 29th or 40 on the 40th, can I?

As with most things in life, this birthday came with a sense of impermanence and the lack of much needed June sunshine. And in the longest time that I can remember, I felt at peace while looking back at my life. No I did not lament that I was 28 already, nor did I feel miserable about the few greys and silvers on my crazy head. I felt thankful to have lived the life I have and learnt the things I have in these past 28 years. And what an adventure I have lived!!

And to celebrate me and another friend with a birthday in the same week, my girlfriends threw me a little party last Saturday. The friend that baked my fabulous ginger cake with caramel frosting had stuck a magic candle on it and I cannot recollect a time in my life when blowing out a candle was harder. If I did not count the year old baby in our midst, I was the youngest in our party. As we drank endless cups of tea and ate cake and many other treats, we joked and talked, laughed and bonded…For a change, it felt nice to be younger than my friends.

The good morrow of 28th had me answering phone calls for most of the day. We do our gifts at midnight, so very late to bed and very early to rise left Chay grumpy, groggy and tired. I spoke with my parents, and in laws and uncles and aunts and friends. As I was telling one friend, I can only imagine how celebrities must live their lives, receiving calls all the time. Nonetheless, I felt so loved and enjoyed the attention, gifts and wishes!!

Adding to all the excitement was Fizzo’s blog on DSS. Never before have I had such a scrawl written for me. And for all the wishes and thoughts that my blogger buds have toward me, I am truly touched!! Hubbs had a great time reading Fizzo’s blog and was quite amused. (If I ever let the 2 of them meet, I know I will be had from dinner. Fizzo’s sawing err writing and my hubb’s stash of stories, which by the way is contributed to heavily by my mom…boy o boy!! They’d make a deadly combo!!)

But the sweetest, most unexpected call came from a dear friend that I am still hoping to see. Our very own Frenjz (for those of you who dont know her, she’s from Sulls…who isn’t?…and she is a newbie at DSS and she has already been recruited into the YAYA Club by who else but yours faithfully) …I had never spoken with her and am yet to meet her even though we are in the same neighbourhood. As she identified herself, I could barely contain my surprise and excitement…she kept her call sooper short insisting that she did not want to disturb my time with hubbs who happened to be working from home. I just felt so thankful for having heard her sweet voice and truly, very touched!! Thanks again Frenjzie girl!!!

The evening was a simple dinner and a movie. I had to spice it up just a tad by wearing a saree. Well, I am constantly looking for occasions to wear one, so this just seemed perfect. Since I was a wee bit homesick, the choice of food was Indian and a new place we had not been to. My husband is veggie and I am not. My whole grilled trout looked good enough and as I started digging in, my husband asked me, “Do fish have tongues?” Could there have been a more perfect dinner conversation? After a while he peered into the fish’s open mouth and said, “If you don’t mind, please turn your fish around. Its mouth smells bad”

So after I was done eating the trout with a bad breath, we went for a movie. For those of you who have not read any of my blogs, our very first date was to watch the digital version of Star Wars. Well, being a great George Lucas fan, I wanted to see it and he had no idea what it was about. So, he slept through out the movie. We went to watch Empire Strikes Back when that was released and again hubbs slept thru’ it. And then there was Return of the Jedi….he slept again!! So after that I thought I learnt my lesson and so did not raise the topic of Star Wars this time. But he wanted to take me and he was so darned insistent. After a lot of arguing, I finally consented to the movie and so that was what we watched!! The theatre was completely empty, so he said, “Well what do you know, it seems like I booked the whole theatre for you.” And what surprises! Not only did Hubbs stay awake, but he actually said he liked the picture!! While my head was hurting from the excessive light saber action, he was beaming like young Anakin in one of his races.

The drive back home seemed so fast, probably because the roads were empty. As we drove past the lakes and up the hill to my home and left behind the twinkling city lights and starry skies, we spotted deer and other small animals. That’s what I most love about driving around my home at night, I get to see deer and some other wildlife. A few days back there was a bear around the neighbourhood giving people a fright. Glad to not have encountered the bear.

Yet another year gone, to accommodate yet another dream!!
It’s been a happy birthday to me!! Indeed a very happy birthday!!

Hazaaron Khwahishen Aisi - My review!!

The script is strong and impacting!! Sudhir Mishra blends a passion for social causes with the throbbing revolutionary idealism of youth and pride powerfully, wrapping it all in a well paced story that is focused on the intricacy of relationships and imagery of emotion. The oppression and corruption along with police brutality and the total disregard for life is fierce and raw, but not needlessly grisly. The tension is real and it is true.

Shantanu Moitra’s music is haunting and superb!! This is a Pritish Nandy production. The last Pritish Nandy Picture I saw was Chameli and that was also directed by Sudhir Mishra. I am very impressed with both mvoies !!

If I were to summarize Hazaaron Khwahishen Aisi in one word – Brilliant!!!

The backdrop is the period of emergency that India went through in the 70s. The story is a simple love triangle, complicated by simpler desires and naked reality. The three protagonists are allegoric of the turbulence and travails of the time and space in India’s modern history in which this story is set in. This movie will have you at the edge of your seat within the first 5 minutes – I guarantee you that!!

The opening frame is one of Pt. Nehru delivering the ‘tryst of destiny’ speech. The 58 year old black & white clipping and the strong articulate voice stunned me into silent reverence and as the rapturous applause that followed one of the most famous declarations of freedom in the world starts to fade out, the movie begins. Sidharth – one of the three protagonists says Nehru was wrong in saying that the world was asleep at midnight. His words left me with emotions that tugged and pulled. I had to start watching the movie from the start again. At first he sounds like a kid who is intent on being pedantic and childish, but the passion for radical change is unmistakable. He goes on to describe the filth that has taken over the political system in India and you begin to hear familiar but subdued emotions of pain, indignation and anger that have crossed the heart of every Indian youth at one time or the other – all this against the backdrop of blood, gore and absolute mayhem.

I enjoyed the way each of the characters is introduced. They introduce themselves with a narration, in a letter to another character. The cross chemistry is instantly felt. The letters are used to communicate more than circumstances through out the movie…and that makes it more interesting. No nonsense letters. Strong, passionate, purposeful…just like each of the characters.

The fact that the movie has dialogues in both Hindi as well as English makes a huge difference. Its about time too - a healthy dose of realism makes it easy to relate to the entire story and theme.

KayKay Menon is Sidharth Tyabji. He has done a fabulous job as a hot blooded Marxist torn between the love of his ideals and the love of a woman. His idealistic rebelliousness and his realistic struggles to make a difference, cause you to admire him. As he matures into a Naxalite, you watch a rich brat opting for the life of an insurgent on the run, in pursuit of ideals and revolution, leaving you hopeful and certain. The dogged determination to bring about reform will inflame the sleeping radical in you, if ever there was one.

The character is sketched to give the impression of being the forerunner for the entire movie, but by the end of it, the weathering and maturity that life induces is amply evident. You are left feeling as broken in spirit as Sidharth is. Awe was definitely not an emotion I felt for Sidharth. His desperate leftist propaganda, its eventual failure and the futility of his efforts, the devastating results it brings about, self condemnation, his self-centeredness and guilt leave you feeling miserable and sorry. In many ways he is the epitome of the strife and angst of the pre-emergency days.

Chitrangadha Singh is stunning and beautiful as Geeta. There are more than a couple of times in the movie when you will be reminded of Smita Patil. This is one intense actress!! I have not felt so strongly towards any actress since Smita Patil. But the resemblance is not just in the way she looks, but also the intensity and the subtlety with which she acts. She has managed to bring life to this character with an array of unspoken emotions and strong expressions. As a young woman in love, as a wife who is not in love, as a woman who is torn between the loyalty of a wife and the loyalty of a lover, as a young mother and as a social activist who is drawn to the mire of illiteracy and ignorance with flickering hope, as a desperate woman asking the love she rejected for huge favours, humbled and broken, this character will leave you gasping.

Geeta steps into Sidharth’s world out of uninhibited love and her own need to stay by his side. But with time, she invests so much of her spirit and soul into the arid soil of Bhojpur, that even after devastating and traumatic situations, she decides to stay on and continue her toil. And amidst all the trauma and loss she discovers herself and her purpose. Poignant and remarkable character…perfect portrayal!!

The commonality between Geeta and Sidharth is in their inability to relate to their cultures. Sidharth is born to a Muslim judge and a Bengali mother and knows neither language. Geeta is brought up in London and has lived in Delhi briefly. While Sidharth leaves his father’s palatial house and the luxuries therein adapting to life on the run, Geeta marries someone else but continues seeing Sidharth, eventually leaving her loving husband and a comfortable life. They go into Bihar to bring about a revolution – the sheer honesty and fortitude of two passionate bright youngsters fighting an ancient system of corruption and bureaucracy is appalling and frightening.

Roshan Ahuja has done a superb job as Vikram Malhotra. He acts with total ease! He goes from being a silent observer, to an ambitious risk taker, to a cocky-sure player, to a jealous and heartbroken lover, to an incensed and concerned son, to finally a frustrated man who is willing to do anything for the sake of his one love and her one love. How he rises to fame…and how the mighty fall! He loses everything but eventually finds the one thing that he sought.

This is an average Joe that charms his way to your heart. It’s easy to relate to this character, his accomplishments and goals, the way he thinks and his priorities. Amidst idealists and on fire wannabe Naxals he seems like a boring misfit with no guts. And amidst bigwigs and socialites he seems like an intense spark of intelligence and foresight. He is the quintessential idiosyncrasy that brings interest and drama to any story, yet manages to remain in the background. The emotions Vikram goes through are so painful and disturbing, especially towards the end.

The other actor in the movie that I enjoyed watching was Ram Kumar playing the character of Arun, Geeta’s alcoholic IAS officer husband. He has a George Clooney kind of a smile and charm that is wrapped in crazy love for his wife Geeta. Just when you have forgotten he was part of the picture, he is re-introduced briefly and softly!! He is another actor I will keep my eyes open for.

There is a very brief portrayal of Geeta’s family, a Telugu speaking joint family in the heart of Delhi. And it is the perfect portrayal of the traditional household with a modern mindset. The ease with which this family scene is blended into the rest of the picture is lovely!! Other scenes I enjoyed were - those of Vikram and Geetha when he brings her a bottle of wine to celebrate her homecoming, only to be told that she is determined to go back. Another scene was of Sidharth’s father - aged and concerned, asking an old colleague for a favour and turned away diplomatically. Vikram visiting his father at the prison….oh there are so many…

I am definitely rooting for this picture, knowing full well that only a certain cross section of the Indian audience will be able appreciate it. This is one of the 6 Indian movies to be showcased at the Berlin Film Festival. I am certain more accolades and appreciation will flow in from the foreign shores.

As the end credits rolled on the screen I sat overwhelmed with emotion. I did not cry as I would normally have, instead I sat, pondering the ramifications of wasted talent and potential, of unrequited love and unfinished stories, wondering how many such tales are lying untold, undiscovered – Hazaaron Khwahishen Aisi – indeed, thousands of such desires….

Silence sil vous plait!!

I saw a neat little café called ‘Silence sil vous plait!’ and as I got a whiff of roasting coffee beans, I smiled at thoughts that popped like bubbles over my head. I took them all in, along with the comforting aroma of beans and memories of youth.

Silence sil vous plait!! The shrill voice of my French teacher still echoes through the many still moments that dot the memories of my numb and sometimes aching mind. And there’d be such silence all around me!! The same silence through the years has followed me and been my sole companion through every waking moment of my life. It reverberates through every fabric of my being, bouncing off the walls of my mind, like I were a hollow pot. I sometimes talk incessantly and at other times, shut up like a clam! Needless to say, everyone around me finds it more confusing than my ideas and I think that’s a good thing. But through it all, the private quiescence of my mind stays faithful. As Confucius said, “Silence is the true friend that never betrays."

There have been so many moments of stillness in my life, when I have experienced sheer joy – unexplainable euphoria! Though fewer in number, these silent moments sometimes end with music and dance for me. I get so ecstatic, so completely elated and rapturous, that I cannot allow silence to prevail anymore. These same moments more often become a blanket of languid ease and tranquil satisfaction that I am content to just bask in, enjoy the stillness…the peace…the calm.

And then, there are silent moments of abject desolation – when the silence is so loud that you can hear it scream your brains out!! The silence is so fiercely violent that it hurts you even to sense it. Acknowledging that you know such a silence intimately is like willing to be locked in a lofty tower and agreeing for the key to be thrown into the deepest of seas. Such violent silence is what drives so many brilliant minds to the perilous edge of sanity. So much so that one does not even know reality from fantasy anymore. It’s a frightening thought that I tread upon the picket fences of such cruel isolation so often, so willingly, so nonchalantly.

It always speaks to you – silence, if you only listen carefully enough. If you quicken your intuitive percipience, but manage to keep your mind and body still, you can hear so many precious things in your spirit. Answers to questions, keys & codes, connecting links, direction in times of confusion…….its my belief that God meets with you & your needs in those moments! But how does one recognize His voice?? That continues to remain a mystery.

It is all so tricky. For one to hear his/her own heart, one needs to be completely still. But for the quiescence to prevail, one also needs to be completely calm in the spirit. If I force it, I fall asleep. And it’s not often that I am without the many thoughts that buzz over my head. Some people meditate, others pray. Still others go in a trance like state listening to music, chanting mantras or listening to smooth talking god-men on tapes. Regardless of what you do, you can’t start thinking cognitively with reason and yet hope to hear the secrets of your heart. Your mind then gets cluttered with your own thoughts, most of which will be futile sooner or later, anyway.

I know there are others like me – whose souls come alive in silence. Still, the bundle of contradictions that I am, I am petrified of silence, inspite of the fact that I live almost entirely in its abundance! I can be in a crowded party or a bustling marketplace, or be having a conversation with a group of people and yet be engulfed in the ever-present silence of my mind. It is not emptiness, but solitude amongst people, stillness in activity, and a strange sort of detachment, my own form of control in chaos. Some call me a loner, others worry over my self imposed state of isolation. But I find myself safest here, in my own cocoon of myriad thoughts full of potential. I find these moments are so pregnant with so many possibilities and full of adventure, but I also fear such moments for they reveal the murky marshlands of my mind. At every turn there is a mystery waiting to be unraveled, a danger lurking. Once I know that an unchartered territory exists, I cannot pretend it doesn’t. Sooner or later I have to go in and face my deepest desires and fears all at once. And that to me is the most frightening thought of all. What if I see myself and I don’t like the mind, or worse, what if I am empty and hollow or warped. Or even worse, forgettable, unremarkable….!

My deepest fear is me! Yet I trek on……

Beauty & the Geek!!

I just saw this new reality show on the idjit box called ‘Beauty and the Geek’. Ashton Kutcher’s the Executive Producer and that will certainly have a huge impact on the screaming flailing audiences (read that as the beauties!!) Of all the reality shows I’ve seen this one finally seemed to make sense to me!!

So, here’s a bunch of geeks who supposedly lack social skills and a bunch of bimbettes who are plain old brainless!! The balance of it all seemed a bit skewed to me…The guys are these total geeks, nerds, dorks….u know the kids they show in Hollywood movies as losers as far as proms and women are concerned. Most of the guys on the show were virgins. And that is supposed to be a big deal…these kids were all in their early 20s, and it’s supposed to be a no-no to be virgins at that age, I believe…yeah right!! I still don’t understand what’s so terrible about that. But I digress!! So the boys are the kind of people that typical school kids would stay away from for fear of ridicule but yet tease and bully. They all apparently scored 1600 on their SATs but that does not make up for the fact that these near geniuses can’t get a date. Where are the nerdy girls I wonder!?

The women..ahaan!! There’s a lingerie model, an NBA dancer, a fashion ‘expert’ and a whole bunch of other kinds of ‘fun’ gals there. The common factor between them is their lack of knowledge. One girl said, “I don’t know…like I might have an IQ like 500 or something”, all while looking cute and simpering with a perfect pout.

The theme is what was brilliant. The guys and gals are supposed to learn from each other. The guys teach the women some general knowledge and the girls teach the guys how to be social. Simple eh!! So they form teams of two and have contests. The first show was aired today and had a dance contest where the guys were expected to show off their dancing capabilities. One guy got a nose bleed at the very mention of the dance contest. I felt so sorry for him…most of the guys were just so darned nervous!!! The women did well prepping them up and coaching them, but they were battling years of baggage. Truly sad!!

The women…aaah!! What can I say!! The contest was a simple quiz. The geeks coached the beauts…but….!! Lemme try and keep this simple – and give a few examples instead of elaborating.

Q - What is the spelling of tattoo?
A – T – A – T – O – O…..
Explanation – Its tatoo right?? I mean that’s exactly how it sounds!!

Q – What is the spelling of calendar?
A – C – A – L – E – N – D – E – R
Explanation – I don’t need to know spellings. If I need it I will do a spell check….

Q – What is the state east of West Virginia?
A – errr…don’t know

Q – Who is the Prime Minister of England?
A – Robinson??

Q – Which is further south – North Carolina or South Dakota?
A – South Dakota??

Q – Who was President during the Civil War?
A – Hoover??

I heard one of the girls ask – Is Thailand like in Korea? I had tears in my eyes by now.

The guys did pretty well. They were quizzed on Pop music and things. Well they learnt what they did not know and did way better than the girls.

In a way I am glad to see that they are using the show to bring up the self esteem of geeks and bimbos…In a way I am terribly sad that geeks are treated so badly for being…well…geeky! I am also stricken by how many girls and boys exist who don’t know basic general knowledge – and they manage to somehow justify the lack of such knowledge!! Oh the superficiality of it all!!

America never ceases to provide entertainment!!

Beauty and the Geek